USADA? Meet USDOGG.
Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) President Dana White just figured out why longtime mixed martial arts (MMA) veteran Nick Diaz keeps turning down fights, despite being eligible to return to the Octagon at his earliest convenience.
No, he's not scared, homie.
Instead, Diaz can't seem to stay off marijuana long enough to pass a pre- and post-fight drug test administered by United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA), forcing longtime rapper and UFC superfan Snoop Dogg to intervene.
From his conversation with Merry Jane:
"Nick, c'mon man. Nick, 'Skinny Bones' Jones, I gotta put you on rehabilitation. I gotta sit down and chop it up with y'all. I can't believe this is the rules that you motherfuckas is violating. I'm putting a weed class together for y'all. We're going to do this 12-step, no 10, no three steps. Three-step program for you."
Jones better hurry if he plans to make this date.
Diaz has not competed since failing his UFC 183 drug test for (hold for suspense) ... marijuana back in early 2015. He was originally suspended five years for the infraction -- his third in the state of Nevada -- but was able to reduce that sentence in late 2015.
His future inside the Octagon, for now, remains hazy.
I originally titled this critical piece of hard-hitting journalism as "Real fighter picks winner of fake fight," but then I didn't have much left to write about in the body, so we'll go with my second choice.
And who -- racist mixed martial arts (MMA) fans notwithstanding -- doesn't love a good Tyron Woodley story?
The Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) welterweight kingpin was mingling at the "Guardians of the Galaxy 2" afterparty last weekend in Los Angeles when "Fast" & "Furious" movie star, Vin Diesel, confronted him about some online yammering.
"Vin Diesel yelled at me yesterday at the party because I said in a fight versus him and The Rock, I gave it to The Rock," Woodley told TMZ Sports. "So he pulled up on me. Not in a violent way but he said 'C'mon man, I would flex on The Rock.' He said he would flex on The Rock. I'm starting trash!"
Don't tell Auntie Ronda.
Diesel is (or was, depending on who you believe) embroiled in a feud with co-star and former WWE champion Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who appears alongside the mug-faced action star in the recently-released "Fate of the Furious" movie.
Woodley, meanwhile, is expected to return to the Octagon for some real fighting this July against an opponent to be named.
Former Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) light heavyweight No. 1 contender, Anthony Johnson, watched the action at UFC Fight Night 108 last Saturday night (April 22, 2017) in Nashville, Tennessee.
Safe to say he was not impressed.
"Rumble" had a reality check for some of the longtime fighters on the FOX Sports 1 fight card, like Diego Sanchez and Jake Ellenberger, among others, for incurring too much damage in the twilight of the careers.
From his official Facebook page:
Watched some of the fights last night and I'll tell you this...Know when to hang em up! If you've already been knocked out in about your last 5-6 fights isn't that your body saying "I've had enough"? I get that it's a macho, I have bigger balls than you sport but man some of these dudes are going to forget their name by the time they're 45. Good luck with that...
"Rumble" knows a thing or two about hanging them up.
Johnson retired earlier this month after his submission loss to Daniel Cormier, insisting he was no longer interested in taking punishment inside the cage. While his next endeavor remains a mystery, his absence left a gaping hole in the 205-pound rankings.
She's too young to go see the new Power Rangers movie -- because it's rated PG-13 -- but little "MoMo" is old enough to compete in mixed martial arts (MMA) because she lives in Japan.
See, here in America, we let you enjoy your youth, then beat the shit out of you when you're an old, shriveled-up granny.
Though admittedly, neither country can hold a candle to these wackos.
MoMo will make her amateur debut against 24-year-old Momoko Yamasaki, who sports a 2-2 record, at the DEEP Jewels event on May 20 in Tokyo. They will both be wearing headgear, so I guess that makes it alright.
WMMA Rankings has the hilarity:
Yamasaki is coming off two losses and is hoping to get back in the win column by taking out her 12-year-old opponent who is currently a seventh grader. The 24-year-old is a former street-fighter who was bullied in junior high school. According to the press release from DEEP JEWELS, the experience is said to have triggered her to became a delinquent which led to series of "tale of triumphs on the street."
Aye, nothing says "triumphant" like sanctioned child abuse.
Their bout will be contested at 95 pounds, which not surprisingly, is called "minimumweight," even though MoMo only tips the scale at 86 pounds. The live stream will be available for your amusement at the official DEEP website.
Later that month, super heavyweight sensation Bob Sapp will return to Ariake Coliseum to fight the exhumed remains of Kimbo Slice in Morgue Fights 3: "Resurrection."
You didn't lose bro, you finished second.
Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) lightweight champion turned Russian cheerleader, Conor McGregor, is proud of his "Hammer" homie, Artem Lobov, for the performance turned in at UFC Fight Night 108.
Watch it again here.
Sure, Lobov was outclassed by 145-pound "old" guy Cub Swanson in the Nashville main event, which took place last Saturday night (April 22, 2017) on FOX Sports 1, but we shouldn't let a silly little thing like facts (and a .500 record) rain on the "Notorious" parade.
"That was a great fight. Proud of my brother Artem! What a ride it's been for the Russian Hammer," McGregor wrote on Instagram. "In a career filled with ups and downs he has never backed down from anything. Nothing but love and respect always my brother ?."
Take that, pussies.
McGregor and Lobov came up together on the local circuit before eventually hitting the big time. The former was able to earn his spot on the main stage by leaving a trail of bodies in his wake, while the latter had to prove his mettle on The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) reality show.
I guess it was either that or Bellator.
For much more on last weekend's UFC Nashville event click here.